Lost Motivation

I lost my momentum this past week.  I don’t know what happened.  It is week 7 on this journey.  I was working toward my fitness goals little by little each week.  Then I realized I had no desire to exercise.  I chose to do other activities instead of use my T-Tapp workout.   My husband encouraged me (a bunch) to still go to the Cardio Dance class at the YMCA, but that is all I did for the whole week. I was glad I went, and took two of my sons with me, but I was upset with myself that I did not do the other workouts during the week and I did not stay motivated.  Why the loss of momentum?  What changed?  Why wasn’t I motivated to keep going and reach my fitness goal?

Looking in the mirror, my reflection says it all.  I am discouraged.  It has taken years to get to this point.  It did not happen in one week.  Yes, I lost my motivation this week, but even worse was the realization that I had lost my motivation to stay fit years ago.  When did I loose it?  How did I let this happen?  How did things go this far for this long?  When will I stop hating myself for letting this happen?  How and when can I ever be fit again?  The whole challenge feels overwhelming.

            Ecclesiastes 9:11 
            Here is something else I have learned:The fastest runners and the
            greatest heroes don’t always win races and battles. Wisdom,
            intelligence, and skill don’t always make you healthy, rich, or
            popular.  We each have our share of bad luck.  source

Some of the weight gain is due to aging, but that is more of an excuse than reality. Yes, at age 43, I am not the same perky beauty I was at age 23.  But I think there are many beautiful, healthy, vibrant middle aged, and older, people.  So to say that age is the reason for being unhealthy isn’t true. 

I know some of the weight gain is due to having multiple pregnancies (7) within a short span of the past 12 years.  And I had them later in life.  I was 30 years old with my first pregnancy and I am now 43.  Not all of the weight was in-check before the next pregnancy began, and slowly this put on extra pounds.  Then the last pregnancy ended in an emergency C section and that has just reeked havoc on my body and activity level.  But again, I have seen many healthy vibrant women who have given birth multiple times and they look wonderful.  So that is not a complete picture of why I have gained weight.   

My father, grandfather, and several aunts and uncles were overweight on my dad’s side of the family.  They have a thick muscular and thick bone frame even without the added weight.  Perhaps my weight problem is genetic.  But my brother and sister, and several other aunts and uncles and cousins are not overweight.  In fact they are completely healthy and vibrant.  They can hike the highest mountains, bike ride and run in marathons, travel the world, etc.  Both my siblings were awesome athletes.  So genetics can not be the answer either.  

Part of the weight gain the past few years was due to feeling helpless after moving to North Carolina and leaving our farm in Indiana.  I was happy in Indiana on the farm, raising my children, and running a family business.  But in NC my life did not feel like it was mine, I was in a tiny rental house in a gated community with rules out the WAZOO if you know what I mean. I was unable to let my children play outside unsupervised, no driveway, on the side of a mountain, no safe area for kids, I was out of money, pregnant with my fifth child, and I felt helpless to change my circumstances. 

I have tried to make the best of my circumstances.  I have tried to remain positive and look on the bright side.  I found other ways to bless my children.  We have adjusted to living in North Carolina.  We bought a home in a quiet subdivision.  We take weekend trips to see amazing sites.  We go to the park during the week.  We are members of local clubs and I volunteer and teach classes.  I don’t dwell on my weight.  I just move forward.  But the discouragements of the past few years definitely added on some pounds, as a matter of fact it has add on 50 pounds since the move.  But again that is not the full reason for gaining so much weight, but just one more important piece of the puzzle.

For years I have chosen not to look in the mirror. I don’t like the mirror, so I don’t look. I have also avoided getting my picture taken, except on rare occasions that someone else might be holding the camera.   Honestly, I don’t know how it has gotten this far. I have a healthy mindset. I eat healthy foods.  I love life, and reach out to others everywhere I go.  I share my time with others, I volunteer and teach classes in the community.  But somehow my body grew beyond the self portrait or picture I had of myself. Somehow, my “inner self” picture no longer matches my “outside” picture. 

                        

At the Cardio Dance class, the instructor, Natalie, did something that changed the game for me.  She said to turn to your neighbor and tell them you love them.  Then give them a hug.  This step was easy for me.  Then she said, look at yourself in the mirror and tell the person you see that you love them.  Now give yourself a hug.  WHOA!  HOLD THE PHONE!  HOLD EVERYTHING!  This was totally unexpected.  I had avoided looking in the “wall of mirrors” in the class since starting.  As a mater of fact, I stay at the back of the room so there are plenty of folks in front between me and those EVIL mirrors!  I haven’t liked the outer picture of the person I see in any mirror for a long time.  Now, in front of everyone I am supposed to acknowledge she is there, and I am supposed to say I love her? 

How can I love the picture of the person I am looking at?  I like the person, yes indeed I do like who I am, but I don’t like the picture of how I look.  The person in the mirror does not look like the “ME” that I feel inside.  She looks tired, discouraged, and she looks fat.  This few seconds in the class brought some issues forward for me that I had not previously been ready to confront face to face.  It has been a hard week for me as I have processed these things and more. 

When I ask my self the big question: “WHY?”    I think the answer is partly due to being afraid to fail.  If I try and fail, then it will have all been for nothing.  I think my fear of failing boils down to motivation and momentum.  I have doubt that I can maintain motivation to reach a healthy weight.  Can I maintain momentum through the daily, weekly, monthly routine to reach my goals?  What if it takes longer than a year of working hard and I see little progress?  If I loose my momentum, will I have failed?  I think another part of the answer is change.  I want to change, but change makes things different.  I am a little bit afraid of the unknown.  A different schedule, a different routine, will equal a different outcome.  I may have to give up things in my schedule that I enjoy.  I have to move on to a different routine, and in doing so, I may not be able to keep the activities that I have become comfortable with and that make up my current routine.

            Hebrews 12:1 
            Such a large crowd of witnesses is all around us! So we must get rid
            of everything that slows us down, especially the sin that just won’t let
            go. And we must be determined to run the race that is ahead of us.
                                                                                                                               source

But is it failure?  A deeper look into the big picture makes me wonder.  I don’t think failure is an option.  NO, I will not have failed at the end of this journey.  All effort is good effort.  There is no fail.  My momentum may fluctuate.  My motivation may fluctuate.  But I will find the resolve to reach my goals in this new season of my life.  It may take me a year.  It may take me longer.  But eventually, and I pray it is sooner rather than later, I will get to my healthy weight.  I will reach my fitness goals.

Food and Activity Journal

Only one day of activity to report, my trip to the YMCA.  As I said, my heart wasn’t in going this day.  I went for my husband this time, not for me.  I did take two of our sons with me and they had a great time as usual.  The class is a full hour of dancing to fun songs.  Both boys like music and this class is really fun and up beat.  Here they are with some of our friends in the class.  Our instructor Natalie is not pictured here as she was busy wrapping things up before the next class of folks came in.

Next we walked a mile on the indoor track.

I walked a mile and a half.  I just felt like going on.  I didn’t have the energy to steer myself off the track.  Strange I know.  The boys walked about half a mile and then went down stairs and joined a group of homeschool kids for basketball.  I think I counted about 15 homeschool kids at the Y tonight.  They had a lot of fun.

A great blessing happened this evening even though I initially didn’t want to go.  A good friend and local homeschool family I have known for five years since moving to NC showed up at the YMCA tonight.  She brought her 12 year old son and they did the Cardio dance class with me, and walked the mile on the track.  This helped me take my mind off of myself, and appreciate another mom working had to reach her fitness goals.  I was really proud of her and the effort she put forth.  Isn’t it just like God to send someone else into the picture to help you get your mind off yourself?  It was a blessing to be in her company and work together towards our goals.  My 10 year old had a bunch of fun exercising  playing with her 12 year old. 

 

I missed a couple of entries in my food journal this week along with my lack of motivation.  I also made a couple of bad food choices that I have not made since starting this fitness plan seven weeks ago.  Consequently, I did not have any weight loss this week.

Sunday 2/17
Breakfast
Eggs, Hash browns, Spinach
Lunch
Apples
Protein Shake
Supper
Salad: lettuce, cucumber, tomatoes, red cabbage, carrot, honey mustard dressing
Chicken
Fried mushrooms
Grape juice
Vitamins and Supplements:
B12, Folic, B6 combo
2 Fibers
1 Enzyme blend
Water: 5
Activity: NA

Saturday 2/16
Breakfast
Egg
Mocha Latte
Lunch
Not hungry!
Snack
Way To Hungry!
Donuts (been a long time since I’ve had these, but I wished I had not chosen to eat them).
Supper
Beef tostada: lettuce, cheese, tomato, avocado, ground beef, corn tortilla
Beef enchilada: ground beef, cheese, enchilada sauce, corn tortilla
Vitamins and Supplements
Vitamin powder drink mix
2 Fibers
1 Enzyme blend

Friday
Breakfast
Blueberry Muffin
Blueberries, Grapes
Lunch
Supper
Vitamins and Supplements
Water
Activity

Thursday
Breakfast
Eggs
Lunch
Supper

Wednesday
Breakfast
Oatmeal
Egg on toast
Lunch
Chicken
Potatoes
Jack Cheese
Supper
Ground beef Pattie,
Lettuce, carrots, red onion salad with ranch dressing
Snack
Protein Shake:

Tuesday 2/12
Breakfast
Lunch
Supper
Snacks
Protein Shake: Raw Milk 1 cup, Coffee ½ cup, Ice ½ cup, ½ scoop of Grass Fed “raw” Whey Protein Powder, 1 Tbs coconut oil, 1 tsp raw honey.
Cashews
Vitamins and Supplements
Water
Activity
YMCA
Dance class 1 hour, walk 1 and ½ mile. The boys also played basketball while I visited with other moms.

Monday 2/11/13
Breakfast
Egg Scramble: Spinach, hash browns, eggs
Mocha latte: raw milk, coffee, cocoa, honey
Lunch
2 x waffle with peanut butter and ½ banana
Juice Feast 1 cup: fruit and vegetables blended in the blender with KeVita (carrots, celery, spinach, cherries, oranges, lime juice, apple)
Supper
Hamburger, Swiss cheese, mayo, small bun
Chocolate Milk: Raw milk, ice, ovalteen malted powder
Snack
Cashews
Vitamins and Supplements
2 Fibers
1Enzyme blend 

This post will be linked with
Healthy Habits
Raising Homemakers
Domestically Divine Tuesday
Sharing Time

                                                
                                                

            Walk and Talk Wednesday Link Up February

So what have you been working on this month?  What fitness goals are you taking steps to achieve?  Are you making progress?  Is your momentum strong or slowing down?  What motivates you?  Leave a comment below.  Or if you are writing about health, fitness, nutrition, or anything else that pertains to family fitness, feel free to link up your story here.  Please put a link back here on your story so others can find inspiration and encouragement too.